La tristeza - כמוני

LaLuna · 2022-12-27T14:04:47+02:00

She’d let go of my hand. She wouldn’t say why. It was about a year ago. I had about 3 weeks to prepare myself, but I didn’t know how, nor did I want to. I was confused. I wasn’t ready- She said so herself. She said I needed more of her support, we’ll meet twice a week starting soon, and I believed her. I trusted her. But then she left me with nothing. I made room for a change and made myself cultivate some hope, but without any explanation she suddenly abandoned the ship. Abandoned me. I couldn’t be angry with her, because I trusted her and I loved her. I knew she had her own reasons, I just felt stupid for getting my hopes up high and for forgetting I wasn’t worthy. She had no clue, but I knew what I’ve done and I knew what I did not do… and I was not worthy. I did not manage to save the others, so, what made me think that I should be saved? —————————I understand now.She did not know who I was.She could not really see me.I kept large parts hidden because when I tried to expose them she didn’t know what she was seeing and what to do with it, and got the wrong impression. Her qualification directed her towards a narrow path and she could not find her way outside it.I only trusted her because I was desperate for help, and she was such a good person, so caring and devoted, but I wasn’t. When I felt her drifting away I acted out of fear and drew her farther away.————————————-I regret not asking for a parting hug before she left. I will probably always mourn for the last and only opportunity to physically imprint her emotional warmth in my body to recall in times of need and to counter the pain.———————But maybe this opportunity never existed. I suppose it was outside of her comfort zone, and exceeding her boundaries. —————————I miss her so badly.When she walked by my side I braved up and allowed myself to experience the world. I knew I could come to her with whatever I encountered and we will process it together.Now everything is too much for me.I find myself in tears several times a day. Gradually withdrawing from a world I don’t fully understand and can’t handle so well.I feel like something is not right. A sense of danger. It’s getting harder and harder to walk this road. I am slipping towards the abyss, and I’m scared.———————I wonder if, before leaving, she would have told me that I was okay, *and able to make it on my own*, would things feel different today? Better? I don’t know.